The Secret to Life and Sanity
While the world is searching for life's answers on Instagram, in books and videos I have discovered it and it doesn't cost a membership nor do you have to click continue in order to find out.
Putting your faith in a separate category (because I believe we humans were created to have a relationship with God) and considering that as foundational, the secret to operating in life successfully as a sane, healthy person is called OBJECTIVITY.
That's it. One word, one simple thought. But as we talk, we'll all agree it is more difficult that it sounds. Through multiple cross-country moves and careers I have met thousands of people of all sizes, shapes, colors and ages. My data isn't sophisticated but my observations are solid. Whenever someone is having a bad life, a bad day or is stuck the answer is one of two things. Either they are a child and can only see things as how they impact them, or they are an adult who has not learned how to see things beyond the way they impact them.
You see this in political arguments all the time. Party A will vote for a candidate because she/he believes in left-handed pencil sharpeners like they use. Party B will vote against the pencil sharpeners because the cost to build them will increase taxes for everyone. Party A cares only about the few people who need that sharpener and Party B sees how it will impact everyone, even if they personally think the sharpener is a good idea. I've been on committees where a few people have teens and everyone else has younger kids. The parents with teens were not interested in all of the children, just teens. I've worked at churches where the senior pastor's pet cause got the most funding even if it didn't impact most people.
This is the thinking we have to be careful about in every setting of life. This is the reason for arguments. Each party sees only their point and refuses to see things from the other party's perspective. This is the reason parents get frustrated with their children. They forget that they are incapable of abstract thought until the mid teens and expect kids to "know" that they need to (fill in the blank). Kids need reminding and more than that, they need to be shown how to think more objectively. It doesn't just happen.
One of my favorite examples is that I taught my kids that they were the most special child in the world to me. And when they sat down at their kindergarten table, there would be 23 other "most special children in the world" along with them. I've met the people who were taught they were the most special person, period. It isn't pretty. One kid even glared at the couch he ran into - nothing was his fault.
If you are caught in the trap of over-thinking, try this exercize to increase your objectivity. First, recognize that over-thinking is also placing too much attention on yourself. You have forgotten there are all those other people out in the world having their day, too. Second, climb behind your eyes and look afresh at what is unfolding. Pretend you are a camera, and you are recording what you see. What is going on? What does it look like? Forget about what it feels like - be objective. Instead of thinking "they hate me" note instead "they have a scowl and they sneered as they spoke." Instead of thinking "they are irrational", try "they jumped from topic to topic, eyes wide and breath coming out in short bursts". Get it?
Taking the time to identify what is going on places you well beyond half-way to solving the problem. Being more neutral and taking things impersonally will help you keep your cool and your thoughts clear. The next step is to remember that just because someone wants to argue with you doesn't mean you have to participate. You can stay calm. It's your choice. Just because someone asks you a question doesn't mean you have to answer them. It's your choice. And best of all? Just because you start to think a thought doesn't mean you have to finish it! Practice "snap" thinking when an ugly thought looms. Train yourself to say "no" and replace that thought with a comforting image.
Resist the impulse to condemn yourself. Don't think or say things like "I just can't do this", "I am always anxious when I take tests", "I don't remember well", "nothing is working out". Replace those thoughts with positive encouragement. "I can do this!"
One of the most common phrases I hear from clients is "I just don't have enough time!" After we carefully review their activities, we always discover many time slots where they did indeed "have enough time". They had given lesser important activities a higher scheduling priority. You have all the time you need. It's just how you use it.
People that are overwhelmed with life, anxiety-ridden or battling chronic health issues have one thing in common. They spend 90% of their day focused on how they feel. Their poor children suffer because those "feelings" are another entity in the household and everything they want or need revolves around that. If they would work to spend far less time so self-focused (regardless of what is swirling around them), they would find quiet moments of peace and be more interesting to be around because they have something to give others, not just take.
Retraining your mind takes time and it takes work. Take baby steps and praise yourself often. After much practice, you will find it is second nature. And oh how wonderful it is not to take the rude driver personally! That's their deal - not yours unless you make it so. As I tell younger kids "you are the boss of your brain - you get to pick what you will focus on."
Putting your faith in a separate category (because I believe we humans were created to have a relationship with God) and considering that as foundational, the secret to operating in life successfully as a sane, healthy person is called OBJECTIVITY.
That's it. One word, one simple thought. But as we talk, we'll all agree it is more difficult that it sounds. Through multiple cross-country moves and careers I have met thousands of people of all sizes, shapes, colors and ages. My data isn't sophisticated but my observations are solid. Whenever someone is having a bad life, a bad day or is stuck the answer is one of two things. Either they are a child and can only see things as how they impact them, or they are an adult who has not learned how to see things beyond the way they impact them.
You see this in political arguments all the time. Party A will vote for a candidate because she/he believes in left-handed pencil sharpeners like they use. Party B will vote against the pencil sharpeners because the cost to build them will increase taxes for everyone. Party A cares only about the few people who need that sharpener and Party B sees how it will impact everyone, even if they personally think the sharpener is a good idea. I've been on committees where a few people have teens and everyone else has younger kids. The parents with teens were not interested in all of the children, just teens. I've worked at churches where the senior pastor's pet cause got the most funding even if it didn't impact most people.
This is the thinking we have to be careful about in every setting of life. This is the reason for arguments. Each party sees only their point and refuses to see things from the other party's perspective. This is the reason parents get frustrated with their children. They forget that they are incapable of abstract thought until the mid teens and expect kids to "know" that they need to (fill in the blank). Kids need reminding and more than that, they need to be shown how to think more objectively. It doesn't just happen.
One of my favorite examples is that I taught my kids that they were the most special child in the world to me. And when they sat down at their kindergarten table, there would be 23 other "most special children in the world" along with them. I've met the people who were taught they were the most special person, period. It isn't pretty. One kid even glared at the couch he ran into - nothing was his fault.
If you are caught in the trap of over-thinking, try this exercize to increase your objectivity. First, recognize that over-thinking is also placing too much attention on yourself. You have forgotten there are all those other people out in the world having their day, too. Second, climb behind your eyes and look afresh at what is unfolding. Pretend you are a camera, and you are recording what you see. What is going on? What does it look like? Forget about what it feels like - be objective. Instead of thinking "they hate me" note instead "they have a scowl and they sneered as they spoke." Instead of thinking "they are irrational", try "they jumped from topic to topic, eyes wide and breath coming out in short bursts". Get it?
Taking the time to identify what is going on places you well beyond half-way to solving the problem. Being more neutral and taking things impersonally will help you keep your cool and your thoughts clear. The next step is to remember that just because someone wants to argue with you doesn't mean you have to participate. You can stay calm. It's your choice. Just because someone asks you a question doesn't mean you have to answer them. It's your choice. And best of all? Just because you start to think a thought doesn't mean you have to finish it! Practice "snap" thinking when an ugly thought looms. Train yourself to say "no" and replace that thought with a comforting image.
Resist the impulse to condemn yourself. Don't think or say things like "I just can't do this", "I am always anxious when I take tests", "I don't remember well", "nothing is working out". Replace those thoughts with positive encouragement. "I can do this!"
One of the most common phrases I hear from clients is "I just don't have enough time!" After we carefully review their activities, we always discover many time slots where they did indeed "have enough time". They had given lesser important activities a higher scheduling priority. You have all the time you need. It's just how you use it.
People that are overwhelmed with life, anxiety-ridden or battling chronic health issues have one thing in common. They spend 90% of their day focused on how they feel. Their poor children suffer because those "feelings" are another entity in the household and everything they want or need revolves around that. If they would work to spend far less time so self-focused (regardless of what is swirling around them), they would find quiet moments of peace and be more interesting to be around because they have something to give others, not just take.
Retraining your mind takes time and it takes work. Take baby steps and praise yourself often. After much practice, you will find it is second nature. And oh how wonderful it is not to take the rude driver personally! That's their deal - not yours unless you make it so. As I tell younger kids "you are the boss of your brain - you get to pick what you will focus on."
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