Confronting Insincerity in the Church

When we are at the grocery store, we can expect an unknown cashier to ask us how we are. Even the someone we are only slightly acquainted with who is just walking by and says "How are you?" as if it were really just a "Hello". They don't stick around to hear your answer, or if they do the only answer expected is a single word in the positive range. If by chance you are in pain, they didn't time their Q to stand by and hear some tale. So, most people respond just as insincerely with "fine."

My pet peeve used to be this: people asking a question when they don't care or don't plan to engage in a conversation. As a young adult, I would almost bare fangs when this insincere "question" was lobbed my way. Now, I ignore it because I know that it translates (in North America anyway) as a longer version of "hello". I just give a big smile and agree by saying "hello" back. I've come to believe that this level of insincerity is utterly unintentional and has ebbed into being normal.

On the other hand...

Over the past 21 years I have moved several times, been on staff at a handful of churches and visited a variety of others in many zip codes around the country. The churches ranged in size, denomination and focus. Each was very proud of what they were doing. Church was where we sought community, especially with cross country moves. We wanted to plant and know new people so we would take a good few months to church shop.

Surprisingly, we were minimally greeted when we entered the door. Greeters were typically grim and unsmiling or talking with each other as they slipped us a bulletin. My favorite: the greeters chomping on gum who said nothing. We were rarely contacted after the first visit even when we noted we were "new" on the contact card. We once lived across the street from one of the pastors at a local fast-growing church who finally met us after a year as his neighbor. In the churches that ask you to stand and say hi to those sitting near you, we formed only one relationship that way. While we would smile at people, they rarely initiated eye contact or a smile themselves.

The people from churches that did stop by our home only did so to be sure we could answer the question about "What would happen if you died tonight?"  When they found out we were already "saved", they left and we never saw them again. Where are the people that bring a loaf of bread just to welcome you, period? I had to do the calling to find out when a class or program started, and one pastor even told me if we didn't attend his church our child would not be allowed to enroll in their Awana Club because "that is for the people in our church." Hmmm. I wonder if Awana HQ knows about this policy change? (In case you are unfamiliar with Awana, it stresses outreach and friendship.)

The times that I have been on staff have proved no different. Other staffers already had their relationships in place and aside from the bi-annual mandatory staff and family gatherings I did not see them socially. And yes, we did initiate. I did, however hear all about the things they were doing with each other as they chatted casually before a weekly staff meeting. One church had a male associate pastor who disdained women and refused to look at me when I spoke. This is the same church where the entire male staff went golfing and out to lunch every week. Another church plant catered only to the founding members that came from the parent church - they had more say than the staff. At one church, the senior pastor hired his mentor's adult son who enjoyed getting everything he wanted. It was heartbreaking to watch one senior pastor insist on giving one associate "a chance" to implement a costly foundational change that later split the church.

Another church was more set in its "we have always done it that way" thinking. Adults had spent over 20 years in a Sunday Morning Bible Class and refused to come and put their knowledge to work teaching the children. One church we visited couldn't be bothered greeting us even when we walked up and said hello - they had to make sure the sound system was working and the brochures arranged just right instead. Another church paralyzed the staff of 30 when the antiquated phone system went down and to "save money" had the receptionist write down messages at the rate of 400/day for over a month. The staff is not valued nor paid evenly very often. At one church, the logic for salary levels went out the window because the pastor's PT father (also on staff) had to "make more than anyone else". Others with less experience and education were paid more than me "because". When my first husband was dying, the prayer chain turned into the "gossip chain" and I had to fend off nosey questions from strangers during my time of need.

I joke that I am a professional interviewee in the sense that I know the politics and the drill when you are brought in to be wined and dined. What I have learned is that after being sold on the church, the hiring pastor usually steps out of the picture within a few months. That personality that seemed like it was going to be so fun to work with has lots to focus on, and children and family ministry is pretty low on their interest level. Just be sure they don't take up any chairs in "big church", that is distracting to the preaching. People that say they would love to "work for The Lord" need to realize you can do that in any job, and expecting anything but business within the church is naive. It's just humans doing a job.  I sure wish that came with a higher sense of moral regard, but just like that "How are you" in the grocery store; over time the church has sadly drifted into its own level of insincerity in its quest to "do church."

Over the years as a member, staffer and visitor I have seen people so concerned about appearance they miss the people. People so concerned about numbers they go out and count open parking spaces rather that talk to a person on a Sunday. People so focused on their area of ministry they cannot see the whole church. People so familiar with their group of friends they become a closed clique. People who do not care about a new person. One large church had over 2,000 frowners attending each week. One pastor told me that if I collected water and diapers for Hurricane Katrina victims, the church lobby wouldn't have enough room for "everyone to fellowship and drink their coffee" that week.  Another church drew a large number of divorced moms to the point where I suggested an additional focus and was told "that's not what we are about". What happened to meeting real needs? Smiling? Eye contact?

As I reflect on the insincerity I've seen, I have come to understand why so many people distrust organized church. Yes, I have an insider's non-denominational chunk of insight and that saddens me. The list of mistakes and outright evil inflicted on me and my family could fill a book and it would probably become a best-seller. Many Americans love to learn negative things about the church so they can say "a-ha". I am not writing this to do that. I am writing this because the things I have experienced have taught me what church is really supposed to be, and that is the kind of pastor I have been. It has also influenced me in every walk of life and job I have had.

Because I have moved and been "new" so often, I know what it is like to view a venue with fresh eyes, and that is how I run my areas of influence. All the volunteers (up to 400) learned we worked for God and that since he values each person, we followed his lead. Parents and kids were personally welcomed and greeted. Team members were regularly prayed for and played with. I loved hosting events just for fun. My philosophy is that the people you roll your sleeves up with need to hang out together and you need to know each other's family. Ministry is hard, heart-encompassing work and we need to value each other, not just the people that come on Sunday. Everybody. Heaven is open for everyone so why would anyone on earth dare behave as if church is exclusionary? Reach out - not in - but take the insiders with you. And please smile.

If the North American church of ANY denomination is going to actually fulfill Christ's commandment to go and reach the world - and don't forget to love the children - it has to ditch its pride and quit lying to itself. The church has to get real, examine itself and quit playing the "You have to fit our mold" game. And the companion, the hurtful "I will only be your friend as long as you go to my church" game that instantly cancels out personal history and honesty shared if you leave. Boy is that one done all too well.

God did not create a mold for any animal, vegetable or mineral. Each is utterly unique and worthy. So I ask, why do churches go counter-creational and demand that everyone blink the same and then expect that anyone would be drawn to their doors? This lack of grace cannot be ignored and is sensed by many would-be attenders who prefer to be loved and valued, not judged or dismissed.

Starbucks instills their team with the goal of knowing customers personally, creating a "third place" where you want to return to again and again because you're valued. North American churches: Starbucks has got you beat relationally. Take note and quit talking about things you did in front of people who weren't invited. They aren't invisible and your lack of grace is far too loud.