Judgements and Perceptions 1.0

As part of course requirements to obtain a masters in marriage and family therapy in my graduate school program, we have to show how we integrate our faith into what we are learning. Woven into this aspect this semester, we are asked to keep a journal about what we notice.

We are practicing not bringing in judgements. Judgements, you say? I am not judging anyone! HA! This will be a piece of cake for me! I have learned not to celebrate so quickly. It's broader than that. And not only aren't we supposed to judge, we are supposed to remain fully present without inserting our judgment. And no, that doesn't mean to sit on your hands like in the final round on the Pyramid game show.

Judgement also relates to our pre-conceived notions that are such a part of us we don't even stop to realize we have them. They are based on our personal experience. When my girl was 2, we were having burgers in a fast food chain. She looked around and gasped, "Mommy!! Those people forgot to pray!!" What was normal for her wasn't normal for someone else. Judgements can also slide into expectations. When you say "please", do you expect to hear a "thank you"?

What about things like "Happy Birthday"? A smiling face? Laughing with your mouth open? Some people and cultures don't celebrate birthdays. Some people do not smile. Some cultures consider open-mouth laughing offensive. It goes on and on. You might think that someone losing a race is disappointing - but it wasn't from their perspective. You might want to say "oh no!" when hearing a story from a client - but that's inserting your perspective. Saying "that must have been awful" as a therapist is also leading. These are all judgements, and we are being taught to be as open as possible as we actively listen, comment appropriately and ask questions.

The more I practice, the less simple this becomes. As a home-based therapist I travel to client's homes. Recently I had the a-ha slap in the face as a depressed, negative and angry client complained about his horrible experience regarding expensive concert tickets. He went on and on about how unfair and wrong his situation was and how he desired to punish and take vengeance on others and stated that no one had things as hard as he did. I made the mistake of listing people starving in Guatemala under guerrilla warfare, flood victims, homeless or unhealthy people. I wanted him to see himself in light of "true suffering". His dismissive reply? "I don't care about other people."

I now see that I had inserted my judgement that other people have serious suffering and daily living challenges and that my troubles pale in comparison. I supposed this was a universal thought. Nope. That person only cared about himself and my words only served to provoke him. This was a huge learning experience for me that I will continue to remember as I move forward. What I think would be universally agreed upon as tragedy is not correct. That is simply my judgement. I need to learn to continue to sit calmly and neutrally with people and let them show and tell me their story.

Another judgement experience that has also taught me well concerns an immigrant family with a mattress on the living room floor. My immediate thought was that they didn't have a couch, oh dear. Nope. After knowing them for several months, I now slap my hand. They love their apartment! It is in America and close to schools. I inserted a whole lot of "other" into my initial perception that isn't there for them. I need to get the "couch" out of my eye.

My program continues to peel layers back that I didn't know I have and teach me how I had been accustomed to thinking in certain ways. I wasn't a discriminator, okay. But I was still applying a filter I had learned from growing up in the manner and culture and country I did ... without thought. So, I'm learning to slow it down and let things speak to me. I feel more open and free, and realize how much stress people put on themselves when they tweak about someone doing something other than their way. Or how much unnecessary worry we take on. A mom recently told me how worried she was that her adult kid might lose their job. She was spending her time and energy on something entirely out of her control because of what she thought about her kid. How much more free would she be if she could teach her mind not to go there? But if she thinks she should go there because she is the mom, there go those judgements again.

This is going to take some time for me to absorb. It's enlightening. It has lowered my blood pressure. I used to call this "not attaching value" but it's more than that now. It's learning how and when to attach value to our perceptions -- after we double check the lens we used.