What Value Do You Attach To Circumstances?



A therapist once shared with me the formula for a healthy emotional life.

A + B = C

A is the thing that is happening.

B is how I perceive it.

C is my response.

A cannot be changed. But my C has many options depending on my B.

The less value I attach to any B, the calmer I remain and the more focused I can be on the task at hand. If I perceive a B as an affront to me, I will respond subjectively with limited scope. If I perceive a B as horrific, my C may be to freeze in my tracks when I really need to be dialing 9-1-1.

The more objective I can be about a B, the healthier my response. I like to tell clients to climb up on an imaginary step ladder and get an overview of the situation from a higher perspective. Get out of the weeds at eye level. What is going on? The less we personalize a B, the less emotional or let down we become.

Oh sure, you say. You have no idea what I am going through! You're right. No one but you truly knows that. Because every one of our B's will be different - based on past impressions and current perceptions. But you truly can apply this formula to any life situation.

A: Your kids aren't listening and running wild through the house.
Old B: I can't stand it - they never listen - I'll never get anything done.
Old C: Anxiety and chaos, kids continuing to control.
New B: They need to learn to respect what I say, I will take the time to reinforce my instructions even if it takes hours. I am going to win this battle.
New C: Parent in control, more peace.

A: Your friend picks someone other than you to spend their free time with.
Old B: I don't matter to them, I am alone.
Old C: I am angry.
New B: Yep. They didn't pick me this time. That is okay.
New C: I make my own choices, too.

A: You have made several calls into an agency and aren't getting called back with the information you need.
Old B: Anxious thoughts about your incomplete forms, you might get in trouble.
Old C: I have no control over my mess of a life.
New B: Who else can I call? What other steps can I make? I will leave no stone unturned and will let the people waiting for my forms know the status.
New C: Peace. You know you have done all you can at this time and it is utterly out of your hands. No form will destroy your well-being.

A: Your kid refuses to wear sox inside their boots.
Old B: Their feet will be cold!  They will track mud on the floors! The could get sick! (Fretting)
Old C: Nagging the kid to wear sox, or admonishing them when they say their feet are cold (Anxiety)
New B: That's their choice, shrug.
New C: When they come in and say their feet are cold, say your feet would be cold without sox, too. No lecture. If they messed up the floor, cheerfully hand them a mop.

Once you get the hang of this formula, you can practice "reframing" how you think about any frustrating situation you come up against. Remember, your feelings and actions should not be directing your responses. Start with your thoughts. Even if you don't feel like being calm. Start there and see what a difference  your "B" can make!

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