Go Ahead and Peel That Bandaid Off


I dare you to find out if you attached in an optimal manner with your primary caregiver as a wee little ga-ga-goo-goo.

Oh no, you might groan. She's gonna "therapize" us because she is so fixated on her grad program!

Naw. I just want to share key things that light up my brain as I bumble along. I promise I won't use big words because I don't like them anyway.

The big "a-ha" for me this moment is how we connected with our primary caregivers. For sake of brevity, I will refer to that person as a mother simply because in most cultures, that is in fact the case.

Did you know that from birth, the way your mother reacts with you forms your personhood? The way you think about yourself? The way you interact with others? How you feel? No wonder the ancient psychologists used to "blame it on the mother". What I didn't know is that there is science behind it, and it's pretty simple.

If you were blessed to have someone who oohed and ahed over you, someone who held you and looked into your eyes, someone who smiled and cuddled you, someone who met your basic needs you were attached just fine. Now parents out there don't start to fret that because the few times you have messed up with your kids they might have been damaged. Not a chance. You only have to be good enough. Not perfect. Read Siegel & Hartzell's Parenting From The Inside Out and see more of what I'm talking about.

On the other hand, if you had a mother who was inconsistent about meeting your needs, anxious about her abilities, unemotional, non-reactive or didn't hold you... you did not experience healthy attachment. And if you were the victim of violence or abuse, or terrified of your parent or they evoked fear you already knew you weren't attached.

The good news is that you can do the work now to fill in those missing areas of attachment so that you can have healthy relationships today!

For some, the first step might be the hardest. Admitting that your mother wasn't the greatest when you have always said your parents did their best to raise a good family. In fact, if you can't tell specific stories about your growing up, only say it was fine or you don't remember and you can't state how you felt - you very well could be avoidantly attached. This comes from parents who are not present in their own skin. They make no intention to know you (because they don't know how) and so you grow up thinking there isn't anything in life to know about emotions, feelings or thoughts. The world to you is just the stuff we see out there. Highway 55 and the weather. Take out the garbage and say goodnight. Be nice, you're fine.

I have met people like this. In my vernacular, I refer to them as "joyless". They are like the sit-com parents from the 50s and 60s who serve functions, but have no fun. If your parents were like this you can't fix them, but you can fix your own perspective. Wanna try?

Go to a therapist. They will help you see the lens through which you have been excusing yourself or hiding from deeper relationships. They will help you see what you missed and how to process it in such a way that it does not become your mantra or excuse for the life you have lived or continue to live. Once you have the key in your own hands to unlock the reason why you --- fill in your own blank --- you can dance! The reason doesn't give you permission to go back and damn someone. Or dwell. It gives you the understanding to move ahead in the fullest way possible. You may have to do some forgiving along the way. Rest assured you can do that even if the parties are dead or just not in your life.

My point is that you do not have to stay imprisoned to what didn't happen to you as a baby. Even if it has ruled your life and you have become so blunted you didn't even know what I was talking about when I mentioned "present in their own skin".

It is never too late to do the work on our humanness. Understanding a reason why some people are the way they are is helpful in choosing our perceptions and reactions. It can save a lot of time in arguments. It can help you decide who you want to be friends with or who you can trust. Just don't use this as a judgement.

If you are touched by the idea of attachment, you can learn more about it from one of the best. Dr. Dan Siegel has a number of videos on YouTube. Check them out. Here's a link to one on disorganized attachment. www.youtube.com  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgYJ82kQIyg&index=4&list=PLDCtwyPSjhlNEz4x
 

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