What Does It Mean To Be Sorry?



When my kids were little, I bristled at the use of the single word "Sorry". "I'm sorry" didn't fare much better in my mind. The word "sorry" is just a word. It doesn't take much effort to float it off your tongue. You could replace it with any word - merely puffing out those two syllables doesn't carry sincerity. At least using "I am" in front of the word "sorry" indicates some level of ownership. My preference? "I'm sorry for ________, will you please forgive me?" Something specific is named, and the person is humbled enough to ask for forgiveness from another. The other person is asked to respond. Just blurting out the single word really doesn't take much effort, and the times I have heard people say it, the apologizing person saying it doesn't seem very affected. In my mind, if you are apologizing to someone it should require your concern. Hence, my kids were taught to use my full sentence apology with that thinking behind it. I did/do the same when I apologized to them.

In my opinion, being sorry isn't addressed well in North America. Most people mutter "sorry" and go on their way. They don't seem to process what they have done or what it means to the other person. They don't understand that being sorry has two parts. It's not just a word that gets sneezed out.

To be sorry in my book means to genuinely own what you have done and understand you caused a level of pain to another person. That means taking full responsibility (which means you don't gloss over it and can name what "it" was) and making restitution when possible. If you broke your friend's antique pitcher from 1895, that is not physically replaceable. However, you can offer to replace it in some fashion. If you lied to your parents, when you tell them you are sorry, the restitution is that you won't do that again.

Some things we are sorry for are not fixable. Take the lying to parents example. Enough lies and your parents won't trust you anymore. You can apologize and ask for forgiveness - even receive forgiveness - but still face the natural consequence that it may be years before they believe what you say again. If ever. Perhaps someone robs a bank. Then they are caught and become sorry. Even though they apologize to the bank and return the money, they will still have to serve a prison sentence. Some things we are sorry for require consequences or even punishment.

Being sorry does not erase what happened, it merely means you have taken ownership of what you have done. You don't give excuses or reason it away. You caused harm, period. I call this doing the right thing in God's eyes. If the party you apologize to refuses to accept your apology, that is not on you. You don't need to spend the rest of your life following them around begging for forgiveness. Not if you have genuinely taken responsibility and made the possible restitution. After that, it is between them and God. The consequences of what you have done may net you a broken relationship. The truth is that everything isn't fixed by an apology. But you can be absolved in God's eyes. Sometimes you may be surprised that the person you hurt is so enmeshed in their bitterness that the entire situation flips over to where they may owe you an apology for how they treated you. The cases I have seen like this do not usually end well. The bitter person has decided it was "their right" and nursed a broken relationship rather than at least accept an apology. They would do well to read up on what it truly means to apologize and forgive. Again, I must state that accepting an apology does not mean you agree with the harm. And it also does not mean you sit down at the table with them. It is a freeing  act on both sides.

The other part in truly being sorry is recognizing that things may never be the same in spite of the apology or subsequent forgiveness. I believe you can forgive someone (even without them participating - they don't even have to be alive) and still not place yourself near them ever again. Not out of bitterness, but out of self-protection. Especially if the other person never took responsibility for their actions.

Have you encountered a "blanket apologizer"? They are sorry in one sentence "for everything" and add that grand empty line "if I hurt you".  In my opinion, that is not taking responsibility or making restitution. It is putting the issue back on the harmed one. Someone who makes such a general statement can not go off thinking they have done a noble thing. It is weak at best, and reflects defensiveness and pride. Neither of which are included in the recipe for being truly sorry. For someone to be truly sorry, it needs to be emotionally conveyed - not a flip statement in passing.

In The Art of Forgiving by Lewis B. Smedes, we read that forgiveness might not reunite us with the person who wronged us. "If we have forgiven, we have moved one obstacle to the reunion - the wall of our own bitterness. Whether we heal the relationship depends pretty much on the forgiven person."

The beautiful thing about Smedes' comment is that if you have been truly sorry, you have completed your obligation. The forgiver is responsible for accepting your apology - and deciding if you are safe enough to reunite with. If not, at the very least you truly were sorry and have learned what it means to  see things through another person's eyes. If you care about what God thinks, you've followed his recipe for relationships.

Being sorry may not restore, but being truly sorry is doing the right thing under God's eyes for yourself and the person you harmed.

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