Do You Have To Be Right?
Even if you really are?
This is the question at the top of my ponder list lately.
It's one thing to argue your point of view. Of course it is different from someone else's. I just hope you have substantial information to back up your thoughts. But what about arguing about the obvious? Today is Wednesday, whether we like it or not. Someone can scream away that it really is Saturday all they want, but the reality is that today truly remains Wednesday. No matter how loud the other person raises their voice or how much they hiss as they "correct" you.
To further compound my pondering, I wonder why when some people try to argue against reality I shrug but when other people try the same thing I become hostile? How dare they tell me something that simply is not true?? After all, they were there too and saw the same thing!!!
I was just fine when my kids were little. They would claim something (that was incorrect, not an opinion) and I would nonchalantly tell them they could think the sky was purple if they wanted to, but it really was blue. They simmered down. End of argument.
This technique does not work with a sheriff who pulls you over insisting you were speeding when you weren't. I accidentally told one he could think I was if he wanted to, but my car only picked up speed going down a hill. He did not appreciate that. And I didn't mean to speak it, it just came from years of automatic mommy-hood responses. I barely escaped a ticket as he dangled my license in the air for me to jump at like some trained pet. It didn't bother me that he thought something incorrectly, and the only reason I minded that I might get a ticket was financial. I had not been doing what he accused me of doing - and his purple face and loud voice were not going to change my calm mind.
I think the buttons get pushed more with members in our family system. After all, we have history with them like no other. And perhaps one or more of them has a record of treating us negatively. What if there was some form of abuse? Please do not wave off verbal abuse as unimportant. Bruises heal. Words can become curses we carry the rest of our lives.
A well-respected educator remarked the other day that one of the most common things she sees in counseling couples is the insistence for both parties to "be right". I thought hmmm, what if one of them actually is correct and the other one is battling over Saturday? The answer came soon enough.
And here's the Biggie that I am pondering:
It does not matter what the argument was about. Pause on this. It. Does. Not. Matter. At. All. Your argument is not about the topic, it is about the button the topic pushed for you. The Saturday-Yeller isn't saying it really is Saturday. They are yelling about how they feel now about being told that it is Wednesday, which is connected to a negative experience somewhere else in their history about how someone behaved and how they felt in reaction. Perhaps that other person was demeaning and told them they were stupid? When you come around and say it's Wednesday, the button that got pushed reminds them of how stupid they are and how demeaned they felt back then. Only it's now, and it's you. Even though you were using a kind tone. This isn't about you at all. It is about that button.
My theory is that our reaction varies depending on who pushes the button. If it's a little kid in need of coaching, no big deal. But if it's an adult who really should know better - watch out. Especially if there is something we have not addressed.
So the question isn't who is right or wrong. Drop that idea like a dog with a bone who runs after something more important. The question is why did you react the way you did when they told you that you were wrong? What did that bring up? Who in the past caused you to feel _______ (whatever it is that you felt when told reality did not happen yet of course it did)? Did you feel that same way this time?
After gulping an answer to this, follow up with this important question: was that feeling correct in the first place? Are you stupid, unloveable, unimportant...etc? The answer for all of us is a resounding "NO!!"
Next time a button gets pushed, I am going to take five deep breaths and try this exercise. As I do that internally, it will not be necessary for me to speak externally to defend myself. The other person can have all of their opinions they want aside from my input. I do not need to be right. Being right does not solve the button that gets pushed. That gets solved by reflection and compassion toward myself.
Just because another person says you are something awful does not make it truth. Focus on truth. If we do this, I bet a lot of words aren't wasted on something that isn't even to the point.
This is the question at the top of my ponder list lately.
It's one thing to argue your point of view. Of course it is different from someone else's. I just hope you have substantial information to back up your thoughts. But what about arguing about the obvious? Today is Wednesday, whether we like it or not. Someone can scream away that it really is Saturday all they want, but the reality is that today truly remains Wednesday. No matter how loud the other person raises their voice or how much they hiss as they "correct" you.
To further compound my pondering, I wonder why when some people try to argue against reality I shrug but when other people try the same thing I become hostile? How dare they tell me something that simply is not true?? After all, they were there too and saw the same thing!!!
I was just fine when my kids were little. They would claim something (that was incorrect, not an opinion) and I would nonchalantly tell them they could think the sky was purple if they wanted to, but it really was blue. They simmered down. End of argument.
This technique does not work with a sheriff who pulls you over insisting you were speeding when you weren't. I accidentally told one he could think I was if he wanted to, but my car only picked up speed going down a hill. He did not appreciate that. And I didn't mean to speak it, it just came from years of automatic mommy-hood responses. I barely escaped a ticket as he dangled my license in the air for me to jump at like some trained pet. It didn't bother me that he thought something incorrectly, and the only reason I minded that I might get a ticket was financial. I had not been doing what he accused me of doing - and his purple face and loud voice were not going to change my calm mind.
I think the buttons get pushed more with members in our family system. After all, we have history with them like no other. And perhaps one or more of them has a record of treating us negatively. What if there was some form of abuse? Please do not wave off verbal abuse as unimportant. Bruises heal. Words can become curses we carry the rest of our lives.
A well-respected educator remarked the other day that one of the most common things she sees in counseling couples is the insistence for both parties to "be right". I thought hmmm, what if one of them actually is correct and the other one is battling over Saturday? The answer came soon enough.
And here's the Biggie that I am pondering:
It does not matter what the argument was about. Pause on this. It. Does. Not. Matter. At. All. Your argument is not about the topic, it is about the button the topic pushed for you. The Saturday-Yeller isn't saying it really is Saturday. They are yelling about how they feel now about being told that it is Wednesday, which is connected to a negative experience somewhere else in their history about how someone behaved and how they felt in reaction. Perhaps that other person was demeaning and told them they were stupid? When you come around and say it's Wednesday, the button that got pushed reminds them of how stupid they are and how demeaned they felt back then. Only it's now, and it's you. Even though you were using a kind tone. This isn't about you at all. It is about that button.
My theory is that our reaction varies depending on who pushes the button. If it's a little kid in need of coaching, no big deal. But if it's an adult who really should know better - watch out. Especially if there is something we have not addressed.
So the question isn't who is right or wrong. Drop that idea like a dog with a bone who runs after something more important. The question is why did you react the way you did when they told you that you were wrong? What did that bring up? Who in the past caused you to feel _______ (whatever it is that you felt when told reality did not happen yet of course it did)? Did you feel that same way this time?
After gulping an answer to this, follow up with this important question: was that feeling correct in the first place? Are you stupid, unloveable, unimportant...etc? The answer for all of us is a resounding "NO!!"
Next time a button gets pushed, I am going to take five deep breaths and try this exercise. As I do that internally, it will not be necessary for me to speak externally to defend myself. The other person can have all of their opinions they want aside from my input. I do not need to be right. Being right does not solve the button that gets pushed. That gets solved by reflection and compassion toward myself.
Just because another person says you are something awful does not make it truth. Focus on truth. If we do this, I bet a lot of words aren't wasted on something that isn't even to the point.
Comments
Post a Comment