Why I Am A Picky Eater


While waiting to pay for my Starbucks decaf mocha today, I picked up a Cranberry Bliss Bar from the impulse station near the register. The expiration date said July, 2017. I set the product down and muttered to myself, "I always like to eat things with a seven-month shelf life".

Other people who come into coffee shops see glass cases full of tempting goodies to eat. They will stop, oooooh and ah. Not me. I see production-line-preservative-filled crap that is stored in a freezer before it gets into that case. If I am going to eat a sugar goodie, it must be fresh.

And I can tell. My food snobbery now includes bread. Forget the loaves on the bread aisle and gimme the ones near the bakery. I can even taste how many days old a birthday cake is. My family will eat off one for days. Not me. Two days max. Fresh. It must be fresh.

Because of my schedule, I need to pack a lunch several days each week. I've gone down the freezer aisle multiple times hoping against hope that something in one of those boxes could microwave into something resembling taste. The other day I tried rubberized fettuccine Alfredo with plastic broccoli. I'm done with that aisle. If I wouldn't serve it for dinner, what was I doing trying to fool myself at lunch?

I can just tell that on my horizon is more homemade soups and probably my own ketchup. What happened to me? Ever since I found out how great the tripple-dipple-filtered ice water at Starbucks tastes, do you think I bother with the filtered water from our fridge? Only in emergencies and what a tasting step backwards.

Speaking of Starbucks and taste. Why yes I have been known to return my drink if it doesn't taste right. Don't forget I am their worst enemy, having been trained by corporate as a barista a handful of years ago. Your drink is supposed to taste the same. Every single time. When mine doesn't, I return it. That's a five-dollar outlay after all. A couple of weeks ago, I bought my usual drink from the drive-thru of my "regular" Starbucks. I didn't take a sip for a few miles and when I did? Pond water. So I pulled up to the other Starbucks a few miles away, went through their drive-thru and got a new one made right. Five dollars, folks.

Before you go thinking I am a food snob, especially at Starbucks...I am not. (I tell waiters I am a food critic!) Every time I have established my "regular" Starbucks (remember we moved quite a tad), the staff befriends me. I have been given Christmas cards, comp drinks, special attention and just today one of the staff brought me "my" signature water as I sat here writing because I hadn't made it to the register yet. When my daughter was in kindergarten, she wondered what we should get our friends at Starbucks for Christmas. Now I bring clients here, and many times the staff has been very generous to them.

Back to taste. So basically, if I am going to eat it, I want it fresh. Once a year I will crave potato chips and dip to the extent that I will consume that uselessness. I am always sorry afterwards but do I learn? This occupation with freshness extends to restaurants. Because I am picky, I only eat out at certain places and order certain things. For instance, if the restaurant's onion rings come out of a frozen bag, that would be a no. Are their fries fresh? Alrighty then. Same with burgers. Only fresh will do. And you won't catch me eating a steak at a pancake house just because it's on the menu. Same goes for salmon. I will eat that in Seattle, not Omaha. In Omaha I will eat a steak. Get it? Oh and salad? Doesn't that just scream McDonalds?? Some of the best meals we've had have come from what we lovingly term "hole in the wall" restaurants. Forget the chains, too much branding and regulation. Give me mom and pop any time.

Basically, if food is gonna pass these non-OCD lips, it's gotta be legit. I am not gonna waste my calories and fat intake on a conveyor belt. And now, back to the paper-writing.

Signed,
Mrs. ADD-Procrastinator


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