My Divorce Proposal

Election season brings up the idea of lying to get your way...which makes me think about things people lie about... or cheat about... which makes me think about divorce.

According to the National Center for Government Statistics and the US Census Bureau, in the U.S. there will be 2,118,000 marraiges this year and 877,000 anulments and divorces. There is a 32% chance a first marraige will end in 10 years and 48% within 20 years. Second marraige stats are a bit higher... there's a 31% chance it will end in 5 years and a 46% chance it will end in 10 years. Or, as radio shrink Dr. Laura likes to state "there is a 75% chance a second marraige will end in divorce. Would you get on a plane with a 75% liklihood it would crash?"

It is interesting to note that in a first marriage there is a 48% chance of divorce after 20 years. That coincides with the ever opinionated Dr. Laura's mantra to hang in until the last kid is 18. Perhaps this is why the divorce percentage increases the longer the marraige lasts - these parents are just waiting for the kids to be up and out? Or, after two decades of life together why else are they giving up?

In the interest of full disclosure, I was once divorced. After about 10 years I learned that husband was using me as a front for his double life. All the verbal and emotional abuse hurled my way was just bonus material. Once I learned the depth of the depravity I drew the line and filed for divorce. I did not want to subject a four-year-old to that life any longer, as much as I knew that God hated divorce in spite of the fact I "had grounds". What I learned was that "grounds" doesn't mean a thing in real life. It is still the death of a family unit no matter how innocent you might be. It still hurts, it still has ramifications and it still costs money. There is no such thing as a fast heal. It takes the many time elapses and anniversaries of loss in order to heal and finally see that sad marraige as a mere speck in your rearview window. It also takes counseling, divorce recovery groups, new hobbies and probably even new friends.

There is no such thing as wiping someone out of your life. You are only fooling yourself if you think you can wave the divorce lawyer's wand and click "delete". Years later a random bank statement will track you down. The name you have used for years will forever be on your legal status record, and if you move to some states you will need to provide a copy of your former marraige license and divorce decree in order to get a driver's license.

And that doesn't include the kids. The afforementioned items are mere lint compared to how volitile divorce is when you add in the kiddos. When you have kids, you are forever linked to the spouse you created them with. You can never erase your ex-spouse because they will always be the other parent of your joint children. Even if they die, you will still be reminded of them by some part of you child's appearance, behavior or characteristic. Not only that -- hopefully all grandparents will still fully participate and not take sides. Or at the very least, keep their mouths buttoned.

Above all else, each parent must give their children emotional permission to love the other parent no matter what. No matter what. Yes I said that twice intentionally. Parents must recognize that all children want to love and be loved by both parents. No matter what. To a child, it doesn't matter who deals drugs, goes to jail or continually lets them down. They want to love and be loved. To a child, when something bad happens to them, they do not identify the person's bad actions and say "they did a bad thing". A child's mind says instead "they did a bad thing to me, which means there is something wrong with me or that wouldn't have happened."

Keep this truth in the the front of your mind if you are divorcing. Vow to never ever speak ill of the other parent, and to keep your tone neutral in front of the kids.That means you can't say things like "Daddy is a jerk" or "Mommy is evil". You can, however, state the truth. "Daddy wanted to be with another person", "My heart is so sad". While you mustn't turn your children into your mini friends, I believe that they should know when the divorce was not your idea. Otherwise they will grow up thinking you did it. Much better to state you are sad about the other parent's choices and pray for them with the kids.

When the other parent lets them down and your kids ask "why would he/she do that??" Scoop them in your arms and say you don't know (because you don't) but that you are so sorry they did/did not do that. Then pray. Constantly point yourself and the children to God as the source of comfort. Remember that you are there to raise secure, confident citizens. It's about their entire well-being, not your happiness. In loving and caring for your children during this time of loss, you will find a new peace and sweet happiness knowing you are doing your best. Lock in on this. And don't listen to the statistics or other divorce horror stories. Don't go to negative thought places - keep it positive no matter what you "feel", and remember your determination trumps feelings.

If indeed a divorce is inevitable, I recommend that the kids stay in the family home. The unraveling of the marraige is not their doing so why should they have to pack their bags and shuttle back and forth? No, I think the parents should do the shutteling. The kids are the innocent victims (yes victims) and their environment should at least stay familiar especially since they are now going to be dealing with mommy and daddy in unchartered emotional territory. Their family has just died. Only instead of being gone...they have the burden of knowing their parents are still out there somewhere, just not there when it isn't "their week.."