When Will This Be Over?
Ever asked God this question?
Our son did at age five when he was throwing up every 30 minutes in the middle of the night. "Mommy, when will God let this be over?"
When I do sit ups, I can't wait to get to the end of a set. When I used to swim a mile, I counted every lap and knew when I hit 72, I'd be done. Kids know down to the minute when the school year ends. Adults know when the work day is supposed to end. When you are doing yard work, you can see how much more you have to do before you're done.
Sometimes the stuff we want over isn't so easily thrown up or monitor-able. Perhaps you are in a situation right now that you would trade if you could only just be throwing up instead of facing or dealing with the horrible thing that isn't going to go away any time soon. And you have no way to know where you are in the time table.
We are drafted into the vortex of waiting. Waiting to see things unfold. Waiting for actions to be replied to. Waiting for news. Sometimes the waiting turns into enduring. Days turn into months, and sometimes years. Several years. I once read a book by someone who stated that "God had been silent with them for 8 years." That, I could not endure. I hope they were wrong and just didn't know how to hear him.
God has not been silent with me, but he sure has been my peace during long periods of waiting to see things unfold. Not once but several times. The first time a crisis hit was when my mom died of cancer right after my college graduation. She was too weak to get out of the car so my dad parked on the football field end zone so she could see me become the first one in either family's history to earn a college degree. After her death, I was certain that God would show me what I was supposed to learn losing my mom just as my adult life was beginning. Surely there was a master lesson for me to unearth. Then I would be able to nod sagely, stroke my chin like a professor and put that knowledge to work. You know what? That was over 25 years ago and I have yet to find out why I didn't get to have a mom for very long. There hasn't been a major spiritual "a-ha" tagged to her memory. No comforting answer has emerged. All I know is that my mom died, and I have had to navigate my journey without her love and support. At first I thought I was missing something, so I looked hard to find "it". But after all these years I have come to the calm conclusion that sometimes in life, we have no explanation. I'm okay with that. Maybe that is what I was supposed to learn?
Another time a crisis hit was 10 years later. It wasn't the next one, but it is the one that did teach me about waiting for results. My first husband contracted AIDS while leading a secret homosexual double life. That was how I found out he had been using me as a front out in the suburbs while he did otherwise in the city. We divorced and he died before my two years of HIV testing were up. For two years time seemed frozen as I waited for good lab results. Starting a new life was nothing compared to living with the unknown question dangling above me. My prayers contained a lot of begging for God to let me at least live until my child was 18. She was only 4. During that time I was the subject of church gossip and lost all my belongings and many friends. But my faith grew and I felt God had me cupped in the palm of his hand. The day that I got the all clear, joy mingled with relief washed over me. I went and bought a fake Christmas tree two months early. I learned how to walk in peace 15 minutes at a crack and how my own thoughts could become my worst enemy. I learned how powerful the Psalms were - one sentence at a time. I learned how crippling anxiety can be and I learned how frightening it is to wait for health news. Since then, I have comforted many people waiting for medical tests.
The latest time a crisis hit has taken the longest to resolve. It has been a 7 year journey since my position was eliminated at a church and we lost our home, subsequently going bankrupt. Again I was the subject of gossip with large dose of deceit thrown in. At the very time one would turn to a church for comfort, we lost our entire church family in an instant. Snap. Our family was left alone to stumble through our mixed emotions. I never thought it would take this many years later for things to settle down. Over the years I have taken some part-time jobs, continued to write curriculum and been on two other church staffs that were not a fit. We have had 6 addresses in 7 years. Sometimes when I am at the store and think of "home" I am momentarily uncertain which house I live in. We are building our credit back up and things have finally eased up. We have come home just in time for our son to graduate high school.
What did I learn with this many years of waiting for answers? For one thing, my cell number. The only numerical constant. The biggest take-home was that some times things aren't over for a long, long time. I was depressed at first and that turned into suffering. I remember a horrible part-time job in a big box store where with each step I took during a shift I would repeat over and over "I trust you God" even though I was between church jobs and didn't know if I was even supposed to be in ministry. We got flown across the country a handful of times and were enticed by new positions only to learn when we got home "they were going in a different direction". It was always the local person they picked over moving my family. The first rejection was devastating. A head hunter I later met told me that a common church tactic is to pay the $3K it takes to bring in candidates (and families) to "show" the church they were "searching nationally" when it was the local person they wanted all along. A couple of grand was a willing expense for them. Too bad they failed to look at it from the other side. I learned to do a lot of forgiving. A lot. But only after I got a grasp on the depth of my anger. Ask me about my Sledge Hammer Technique sometime. It works really well.
I can look back over these past 7 years and see God's hand in each major step we took. While we were hurt to see the number of friends shrivel - especially when we didn't go to the same church anymore - we know who is the real deal. I got stronger, too. When people lied about me or believed a lie, I decided it wasn't worth it to defend or correct. It revealed their character. I was moving forward, not dwelling backward. I also got more creative and found more ways to have fun. We joke that the "we" inside of me "have a great time". And heck, I can now pack and unpack as if it was my career. We learned to literally count pennies and appreciate very little things in life. And my family got even closer. Not that I wanted to learn how to lose a home, but having done that enriched my pastoral care life and counseling abilities.
With each kind of crisis and suffering, my heart has become more tender toward the things others are struggling to live with. It may not be the exact same thing, but facing that unkind threshold that must be walked through is something we all have in common. I decided a long time ago that when I was done going through my own deal, I was going to buck up and reach out to others and pull them along. I didn't want to stay stuck, and I don't want anyone else to, either. If there is any comfort, it is in knowing that I can make a difference of encouragement in someone's life.
Pastor or not, I just want God to nod and say "Well done, good and faithful servant".
Hope. Pass it on.
Our son did at age five when he was throwing up every 30 minutes in the middle of the night. "Mommy, when will God let this be over?"
When I do sit ups, I can't wait to get to the end of a set. When I used to swim a mile, I counted every lap and knew when I hit 72, I'd be done. Kids know down to the minute when the school year ends. Adults know when the work day is supposed to end. When you are doing yard work, you can see how much more you have to do before you're done.
Sometimes the stuff we want over isn't so easily thrown up or monitor-able. Perhaps you are in a situation right now that you would trade if you could only just be throwing up instead of facing or dealing with the horrible thing that isn't going to go away any time soon. And you have no way to know where you are in the time table.
We are drafted into the vortex of waiting. Waiting to see things unfold. Waiting for actions to be replied to. Waiting for news. Sometimes the waiting turns into enduring. Days turn into months, and sometimes years. Several years. I once read a book by someone who stated that "God had been silent with them for 8 years." That, I could not endure. I hope they were wrong and just didn't know how to hear him.
God has not been silent with me, but he sure has been my peace during long periods of waiting to see things unfold. Not once but several times. The first time a crisis hit was when my mom died of cancer right after my college graduation. She was too weak to get out of the car so my dad parked on the football field end zone so she could see me become the first one in either family's history to earn a college degree. After her death, I was certain that God would show me what I was supposed to learn losing my mom just as my adult life was beginning. Surely there was a master lesson for me to unearth. Then I would be able to nod sagely, stroke my chin like a professor and put that knowledge to work. You know what? That was over 25 years ago and I have yet to find out why I didn't get to have a mom for very long. There hasn't been a major spiritual "a-ha" tagged to her memory. No comforting answer has emerged. All I know is that my mom died, and I have had to navigate my journey without her love and support. At first I thought I was missing something, so I looked hard to find "it". But after all these years I have come to the calm conclusion that sometimes in life, we have no explanation. I'm okay with that. Maybe that is what I was supposed to learn?
Another time a crisis hit was 10 years later. It wasn't the next one, but it is the one that did teach me about waiting for results. My first husband contracted AIDS while leading a secret homosexual double life. That was how I found out he had been using me as a front out in the suburbs while he did otherwise in the city. We divorced and he died before my two years of HIV testing were up. For two years time seemed frozen as I waited for good lab results. Starting a new life was nothing compared to living with the unknown question dangling above me. My prayers contained a lot of begging for God to let me at least live until my child was 18. She was only 4. During that time I was the subject of church gossip and lost all my belongings and many friends. But my faith grew and I felt God had me cupped in the palm of his hand. The day that I got the all clear, joy mingled with relief washed over me. I went and bought a fake Christmas tree two months early. I learned how to walk in peace 15 minutes at a crack and how my own thoughts could become my worst enemy. I learned how powerful the Psalms were - one sentence at a time. I learned how crippling anxiety can be and I learned how frightening it is to wait for health news. Since then, I have comforted many people waiting for medical tests.
The latest time a crisis hit has taken the longest to resolve. It has been a 7 year journey since my position was eliminated at a church and we lost our home, subsequently going bankrupt. Again I was the subject of gossip with large dose of deceit thrown in. At the very time one would turn to a church for comfort, we lost our entire church family in an instant. Snap. Our family was left alone to stumble through our mixed emotions. I never thought it would take this many years later for things to settle down. Over the years I have taken some part-time jobs, continued to write curriculum and been on two other church staffs that were not a fit. We have had 6 addresses in 7 years. Sometimes when I am at the store and think of "home" I am momentarily uncertain which house I live in. We are building our credit back up and things have finally eased up. We have come home just in time for our son to graduate high school.
What did I learn with this many years of waiting for answers? For one thing, my cell number. The only numerical constant. The biggest take-home was that some times things aren't over for a long, long time. I was depressed at first and that turned into suffering. I remember a horrible part-time job in a big box store where with each step I took during a shift I would repeat over and over "I trust you God" even though I was between church jobs and didn't know if I was even supposed to be in ministry. We got flown across the country a handful of times and were enticed by new positions only to learn when we got home "they were going in a different direction". It was always the local person they picked over moving my family. The first rejection was devastating. A head hunter I later met told me that a common church tactic is to pay the $3K it takes to bring in candidates (and families) to "show" the church they were "searching nationally" when it was the local person they wanted all along. A couple of grand was a willing expense for them. Too bad they failed to look at it from the other side. I learned to do a lot of forgiving. A lot. But only after I got a grasp on the depth of my anger. Ask me about my Sledge Hammer Technique sometime. It works really well.
I can look back over these past 7 years and see God's hand in each major step we took. While we were hurt to see the number of friends shrivel - especially when we didn't go to the same church anymore - we know who is the real deal. I got stronger, too. When people lied about me or believed a lie, I decided it wasn't worth it to defend or correct. It revealed their character. I was moving forward, not dwelling backward. I also got more creative and found more ways to have fun. We joke that the "we" inside of me "have a great time". And heck, I can now pack and unpack as if it was my career. We learned to literally count pennies and appreciate very little things in life. And my family got even closer. Not that I wanted to learn how to lose a home, but having done that enriched my pastoral care life and counseling abilities.
With each kind of crisis and suffering, my heart has become more tender toward the things others are struggling to live with. It may not be the exact same thing, but facing that unkind threshold that must be walked through is something we all have in common. I decided a long time ago that when I was done going through my own deal, I was going to buck up and reach out to others and pull them along. I didn't want to stay stuck, and I don't want anyone else to, either. If there is any comfort, it is in knowing that I can make a difference of encouragement in someone's life.
Pastor or not, I just want God to nod and say "Well done, good and faithful servant".
Hope. Pass it on.
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